Ek hygg þat hégóma at trúa á goð.

Tue, 13 May 2008 12:08:13 GMT

Saturday, August 5th, 2006
8:29 pm Hmm..
And then one day you wake up and realize that everything is perfect. Everything has been perfect. And it's been perfect for a long time. Anything that can happen isn't really that bad and any problem we have has a solution. It isn't nineteen fifties sitcom perfect, but life isn't like "Leave it to Beaver" and I'll take this type of perfect first, regardless.

I love you, Brooke.

Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Brooke just made a cute little moany sound in her sleep!

I never saw it coming.

Fuck living.

Thu, 08 May 2008 06:11:42 GMT

I'm lowering my bar.

I'm giving myself four years.

I'll be twenty three.

And then I'm done.

Unless someone can give me a reason to keep trying.

Because I just keep fucking up.

And I don't want to hurt anymore.

I don't want to be scared anymore.

I don't want to BE anymore.

I fucking hate my life.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 05:15:29 GMT

I hate that it feels like I'm never going to enjoy living again.

I'm so afraid of being unhappy a second longer than I am.

I'm just so fucking scared.

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 09:10:25 GMT

Fuck my life.

FUCK.

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 08:23:34 GMT

FUCK.

That about sums it up.

BUT, TO ELUCIDATE.

I drank half of a kiddie bottle of Dimetap. Sometimes, when I move my hands to fast it looks like I have two hands on one arm.

I don't like the idea of dying, but I won't be around to care, will I?

That is, if I died.

Which I'm not planning on.

It does sound nice right now, though.

Just for a while. Being dead for a couple hours would be the best thing right now.

Now that I think of it, I'm not elucidating at all, really.

I think that is a very pretty word.

Eh loose ih date.

Elucidate. To bring light to.

In my intoxicated vanity I'm listening to my own compositions. "Skog" is a Nick Drake ripoff. I'd never heard "They're Leaving Me Behind" before I wrote it, (neither had most of the music world, it's a tape recording that wasn't released 'til June last year) But it just sucks that the opening motif is so damn similar.

Dittye is a Greensleeves derivitive.

I'm a hack.

But I used to be a hack with a girlfriend. And that made a load of difference.

Just having someone I could talk to would make the difference right now.

I just spent the last five minutes crying.

Didn't want to get the laptop wet.

I don't know what to do.

I hope you're having fun.

I am bitter.

But, I love you.

And the cynicism makes it hurt less.

Not much though.

Wheeee, my extremities are all TINGLEH.

But, also, I would just like to fall off a cliff.

Buddha? Yahweh? Vishnu? Thor? Zeus? Mr. L. Ron Hubbard? Richard Dawkins? If any of you happen to be defying the laws of physics could you also please make me able to cope with things that I am unable to cope with? No?

Fuck.

Hmm..

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 03:35:21 GMT

And then one day you wake up and realize that everything is perfect. Everything has been perfect. And it's been perfect for a long time. Anything that can happen isn't really that bad and any problem we have has a solution. It isn't nineteen fifties sitcom perfect, but life isn't like "Leave it to Beaver" and I'll take this type of perfect first, regardless.

I love you, Brooke.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 10:29:04 GMT

It's almost two thirty in the morning. I still have homework to do. I miss my Brookelyn. I'm cold. I need to do a review on A Feast for Crows, finish some history map thinger. Do those stupid "Words to Own" things in English. I just want to sleep. AUGH. Fuck.

I love my lady, Brooke.

Freyja

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 08:02:00 GMT

After a couple hectic days, things seem to be going really well. Brookelyn and I are havin "love you more" matches again. I looove you, MORE, miloverly Brookelyn!

The cat that my mom brought home that's been hiding in her room is getting more friendly. It's sitting in my lap now, purring. My mom and I named her Freyja.

Our cats, Mofield and Freyja. I love it

and I love Brooke!

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 07:15:16 GMT

I don't know if most people would be able to call their relationships beautiful. I don't really care about "most people," but I know that I can with out some sort of guilt of airs. It's not like I think or say that to make myself feel better about it. It's just true.

There's a beauty in sadness, just as there is in joy or serenity. I can feel it even in my worst moments of depression with her. A kind of fleeting sense of art and beauty in the back of my mind reminding me that even though it may hurt immensly..it's worth it because I'm living it. It's worth it because I'm feeling it with and through her.

"'Cause life is just a beautiful death"

Jari Maenpaa

I love you.

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 07:30:13 GMT

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BROOKELYN CATHLYNE AHLBERG, I LOVE YOU.

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 07:23:31 GMT

i think i'm having a panic attack

i feel like i'm going to die

it hurts so much and i just need to talk to her but she's either not home or she won't pick up

just lying on my hard futon breathing frantically and weeping.

brooke i need you. where are you. i'm so pathetic and i just need you.

i'm so pathetic..fucking bitching in a livejournal.

i have no where else to go.

nothing

nothing i can do

just sit at this computer and write meaningless shit no one could give a damn about.

i'm so miserable right now and i have no where to go and no one to turn to.

i spent about ten minutes trying to open those fucking sleeping pills

i didn't even notice. i was shaking and breathing so heavily and my head hurts AND WHY ARE MY EARS RINGING

brooke i love you so much. where are you

i'm so selfish. to ever make her ever have dealt with the emotional wreck that i am. what is wrong with me. to do that to her.

BROOKE WHAT DID I DO.

fuck

i'm so pathetic.

it's sad.

i just want to pass out and wake up next to her smiling and holding me and telling me i'm not a burden when i completely am.

i love you brooke

beh

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 06:56:38 GMT

"Away Message:
dont play with fire or youll get burned

Profile:
awake but away in silent pain...as its screaming out my name.

Chrisiloveyou"

Haha fuck.

i mean

i understand

i've understood

that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt from time to time.

I'm in love with Brooke.

dex

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 07:56:54 GMT

I feel so shitty tonight

i made brooke sad.

i know i did.

I'M SORRY BROOKE.

FUCK

i don't know how much i took

i just chugged some

if i don't feel anything soon i'll take a lot more

and if that still doesn't work

dammit

i promised brooke i wouldn't use ace any more...FUCKowell..

ilovebrookelycathlyneahlberg.

hjerte

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 06:42:09 GMT

[23:39] ThursdayMovie: more heart and love and kissesss!!
[23:39] NinjaActionMoses: loveysquishybrookeyLOVEYOU
[23:40] ThursdayMovie: i love you
[23:40] NinjaActionMoses: i love you too
[23:40] *** Auto-response from ThursdayMovie: [heart]

i miss her so much right now. so warm with her..TOMORROW I SEE HER.

Lovebrookedaviddoes

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 07:10:22 GMT

I am rather high.

HIGHPPY

Happy off my ass.

I love Brookelyn Cathlyne Ahlberg. I love her beautiful face and her beautiful lups and her beautiful eyes and her hair and her..eyye brows and her nody oh..her body...and i';m not even looking at the screen because im looking at pretty brooke.

I will never tire of you. I LOVWE YOU..

SHE TRUSTS ME.
I THINK SHE LOVES ME.

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 03:19:08 GMT

HEY.

Brooke, what should I say.

She'll be right back.

PORCUPINE TREE IS FUCKING AWESOME

SHALLOWSHALLOWBITEYOURTOUNGEANDBLAGVALASKDF

I don't know the lyrics.

I wish I did.

I wish more PT sounded like this songkissy...citrus.eskimo kisses

Thu, 19 May 2005 06:30:33 GMT

I want to record another song. I haven't exactly completed anything though. I really like "Passage" but I think it could use some melody guitar in there. I recorded a melody track a while ago and it's actually not too bad. I just fuck up pretty bad one time and I never felt to re-record it.

I am SO FUCKING BORED.

I think I'll call Brooke tomorrow to see if she wants to hang out or schumptin. Even when we're hanging around some potheads I don't know and I'm uncomfortable around them I still really like just being with her. Feeling alive and hwatnot.

Mmmm...green tea...

I'll probably make another entry before the night is done.

UGH

Thu, 19 May 2005 04:31:37 GMT

Today was boring. I hung out with my friends. Whoo. I got stuff from Starbucks aaaand...I read some more of Hitchhiker's Guide. IT'S SO FUCKING HILARIOUS. Douglas Adams is a genious.

BREAK!

Wed, 18 May 2005 07:32:29 GMT

Today was..hmm..boring..

I decided to get suspension bridges done and over with. It was more boring than annoying. I get out of class for two days too. Jawesome.

I walked to my mom's house after school today, Ricardo and Kyle came back from their field trip soon enough. They'd bought CDs and such. Cool.

We hung around the village for a while. Got some coffee. I bought three books. The Tombs of Atuan, the first Everworld book, and The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. They're all good. Hitchhiker's Guide is fucking hilarious.

I also bought a videogame "Arc the Lad: Twilight of the Spirits" I've barely started it, but insofar that I've played, the battle system is really really cool.

Didn't do much else. Got to talk to Latasha on AIM, which I haven't done IN SO LONG. I missed talking to her. Tash, you're awesome.

Yeah...i'm bored.

Not too depressed..

that'll change so enough though.

ride the snake.

i can barely see

Mon, 16 May 2005 10:42:22 GMT

brooke is paying attention to me. and i am kinda high.

ain't life grand?

yeah

it is.

braaaaaaaaid

i want to learn welsh

i'm french braided i guess.

this is fun

hardeehar
free rides!

that would be fun

i am one of many

Mon, 16 May 2005 04:20:16 GMT

me and brooke are going to hang out at the hacienda and books and movies and cawfee and iss gon' be tite.

Fuckfuckfuck

Wed, 04 May 2005 01:44:41 GMT

It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. It stabs. Why does she fuck with me like this!? Goddamnit. She loves him and I'm just some loser in her bed with shoes too big. Why does she waste her time with me like this? I don't want to be a replacement. I don't like looking into her eyes and seeing her long for him.

WHO AM I!?
How can what I feel mean so little to her. Oh...god fuckign FUCKASDFLKJDSE

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO FUCKING HURT SO MUCH.

I'm a pathetic little loser and I want to fucking die.

Fine.

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 10:36:20 GMT

Maybe I am a whore. But having people on Profile Nation say i'm "hot" or "sex" is great for m'self esteem.

Fuck you.

I got up around two today. Got a call from Rick asking if I wanted to see a movie with him and Michael. I said sure, they got to my house eventually and we set off to Starbucks for some drinks. I barely drank mine and dropped it off at my house before we took bart out to Hacienda.

MOVIES SUCK.

There were only two movies that we wanted to see: "Sin City" which I've already seen, and "the Amityville Horror" which, because it's the opening weekend, is being blocked by guards to make sure no one sneaks in. Which was what we were planning on doing. And since guards are there, they probably wouldn't let us sneak into Sin City either.

We were fucked.

So we walked around a bit, broswed Best Buy. I bought "A Wizard of Earthsea" at Barnes and Noble. I started reading it on bart. It's seems pretty good. The whole "true name" concept is pretty intriguing. I'll try and read it while finishing up "A Storm of Swords" I've read two books at one time before.

We walked around the restauraunts for a while before settling on Fuddruckers. We all got murder sandwiches and stayed there for an hour or so. Then we headed out to Castro Valley, planning on renting a movie. We stopped by my mom's house to get some money and then ended up renting "Arrested Development: Episodes 1-6" and "The Book of Mormon: The Movie" We didn't end up watching either of them though. Ricardo and Michael got a ride from ricardo's mom and I walked home so that I could stop by Starbucks to get a drink.

I'm fucking addicted to Facewhore. I'm such a loser. But, whatever. That can't be helped. Might as well embrace it. But, why are all the hot chicks in the UK? It's rediculous!

a quote from a really good looking chick's hate list

"hates ..
emo. bad spelling. badly drawn on eyebrows. being too drunk. feet. asslickers. no power metal. stoners. 14yearold bi alkys. HIM kiddies. bad chatup lines. attention seeking SI. spiders. surprise photos.
"

Seriously.

Fuh-king-ey.

G-d

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 07:12:22 GMT

-note: I wrote this about a week ago, as a revision of a paper for English.-

I want to believe in something higher.

Really. I do.

I don't want to stop existing. The thought of my "conscious," what I am, ceasing to exist, is a very frightening one. And I found that I chose to worship the God of Abraham out of that fear. Not because I believed in it. But because I wanted to believe in it. That this was the most populous of religions. There was little persucution in it. People wouldn't be surprised to find that I believed that a bearded, Jewish vagabond, born from a virgin was the son of the creator of this reality. That he performed magics and commited no "sin." That he was seen a political threat and was nailed to two crossed pieces of tree to die. And that he, three days later, miraculously, rose from his grave and "ascended to heaven."

But, I found that I just didn't believe in it.

I didn't choose to lose my faith. I prayed, went to church, made an effort to watched my tounge, fought my inner lusts, regularly asked the clergy for forgivness, all things a good Christian boy should do. But, slowly, the myth of Yahweh seemed to fade. I grew disenchanted with the other, less favorable books of my bible. That things I saw as no harm, at all, to any human, were seen as horrible, terrible sins. That my faith took the book of the Jews, picked and chose the choicest passages, and completely ignored the others.

"We'll eat the pork and shellfish, but if you fuck a man you love in the ass you're going straight to Hell."

That this god, had the nerve to send his own children, his creations, for which he is said to have undying love, to a horrible, nigh undescribable, fiery pit of torture and decay. To suffer for all eternity. For not "accepting Y'shua"

The idea of this "Hell" is what really sets me apart from the Christian faith. I am only sixteen years. I've not known the joy and pain of caring for a child of mine or another's blood. But I know, that if I had a child, I could never abandon her to suffer, for whatever horrible sin she may commit. She could commit the most horrendus of attrocities. She is enough as my child, the daughter I cared for, that she would needn't do anything for my undying love and forgivness.

But this god requires sacrifice.

He requires you give yourself to him. That you put trust in nothing higher than this Cosmic Judge, shaking his finger at you from a throne in paradise. And if you do not, you are forever banished from his blissful light. And it disgusted me. Here I am, an insecure, weak minded, easily persuaded, confused, sixteen year old kid, finding myself with higher mercy than my alleged creator.

That my love, that did not exist yet, would be more infinite than the infinite.

Faith gasped

and the claws of an ideology I did not desire wrapped around me.

I drifted into nihilism. I did not like it. I hated it. I wanted to have purpose. I scoured other religions, but none grabbed me. None convinced me. This was it. I would die. There is no supernatural caretaker. There is nothing after life. There is nothing before life. There are only the ugly polarities of this physical reality.

But my ideas are not definite. As I drifted into nihilism I can just as easily drift out. For that revelation to come is something I really look forward to. I'll continue my life in search of my faith and try to live my life with a bit of optimism. There may be nothing after this. But there are beautiful things during this. There are extraordinary things in this. Things that can move a person to tears and move a person to commit great things for their fellow humans. I will take the good with the bad, and experience this life and it's perks while I've a good grip of it.

And, shit. At least I'm not a virgin.

DARK TRANQUILLITY ROCKED MY SHIT!

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 05:14:53 GMT

I'm pretty sure I'm not gay. Surer than most people.

But I'd fuck Mikael Stanne.

Seriously. I like chicks. A lot. But...I dunno. He is one sexy man.

Dark Tranquillity played the best show I've ever seen. I totally became thirteen again and thrashed like a moron. I slammed my nose into some guys head and my nose hurt like a sunuffabitch. But I just didn't care. God damn, they ruled the fucking house. Mnemic was...meh...most of their songs were just kinda..break downs and pull offs with that fag singer saying "I'm not insane!" Hypocrisy ruled too. Peter Tagtgren has the widest "growling range" i've ever heard. He goes from the gutteral growls to piercing shrieks right off each other. But when Dark Tranquility came on I proceded to rape my neck. They got about an hour-hour and a half set. I bought some water and sat outside during Soilwork. I was so tired and I needed to go somewhere were I could take off my sweat shirt with out worrying about Kyle seeing the cuts on my arms. So I sat out there, oggled some girls while Soilwork played through their initial set. I came back in for the encore. Bjorn Strid is one funny looking guy. He has a very fat head.

We got a ride home from my mom, listened to almost all of the "The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place" album by Explosions in the Sky. It's really, really, good. Ricardo spent the night at my house on behest of his mother. I guess he stayed up late enough to talk to tash. He stayed at my house when I went to school. I moped around a bit and in fourth period I got called into the counselor, Miss Wasserman's, office.

A couple days early my friend Jay went up to Miss Wasserman and told her that I'd been feeling depressed. Twas nice of him. I never really go for real help with my problems. 'Should learn to do that someday. I basically told her about the sex and confusion and all that. How I hate myself for no real reason, and that I've started cutting myself. It felt good to just say it. Really, really good. She wants to talk on Monday too. So...yeah..

We spent all day at Starbucks. AGAIN! Ricardo and I were just sitting around there for while, then we'd go get fries from the cheese steak shop. The second time I got a coffee cake. Delisherous. We eventually were able to get free coffee. BUT THE ENJOYMENT WAS SHORT LIVED BECAUSE THOSE FUCKING LOUD KIDS CAME! God dammit! I HATE LOUD PEOPLE, FUCKFUCKFUCK. They wouldn't shut up! Ever! I want them to die!

THAT PIPE DID NOT LOOK LIKE A SHOT GUN YOU DUMB FUCK!

And this ugly guy was making with his girl friend like he was trying to eat her face. I don't mind when people kiss, but this was just gross.

We left to my mom's house, I picked up a beanie/ski mask and we went to Quizno's, ate there. And we all walked our ways home. And here I am. I do thing now.